People are surprisingly hesitant to reach out to old friends

Abstract

Social relationships provide one of the most reliable paths to happiness, but relationships can fade for various reasons. While it does not take much to reinitiate contact, here we find that people are surprisingly reluctant to do so. Specifically, most people reported losing touch with an old friend yet expressed little interest in reaching out (Studies 1-2, Ns = 401 and 199). Moreover, fewer than one third of participants sent a message to an old friend, even when they wanted to, thought the friend would be appreciative, had the friend's contact information, and were given time to draft and send a message (Studies 3-4, Ns = 453 and 604). One reason for this reluctance may be that old friends feel like strangers. Supporting this possibility, participants were no more willing to reach out to an old friend than they were to talk to a stranger (Study 5, N = 288), and were less willing to contact old friends who felt more like strangers (Study 6, N = 319). Therefore, in Study 7 (N = 194), we adapted an intervention shown to ease anxieties about talking to strangers and found that it increased the number of people who reached out to an old friend by two-thirds.

Fig. 1. Endorsement of various barriers to reaching out in Study 1.

Boxplot showing all the data; barring missing data, all participants (N = 401) rated all items. The upper and lower hinges of the boxplot correspond to the first and third quartiles (the 25th and 75th percentiles). The median is indicated by the line in the boxplot, and the mean is indicated by the blue diamond.

Fig. 2. Endorsement of various reasons for reaching out in Study 1.

Boxplot showing all the data; barring missing data, all participants (N = 401) rated all items. The upper and lower hinges of the boxplot correspond to the first and third quartiles (the 25th and 75th percentiles). The median is indicated by the line in the boxplot, and the mean is indicated by the blue diamond.

Fig. 3. Interest in reaching out to or hearing from an old friend now and in the future in Study 2.

Boxplot showing all the data; barring missing data, all participants (N = 199) rated their interest at both time points. The upper and lower hinges of the boxplot correspond to the first and third quartiles (the 25th and 75th percentiles). The median is indicated by the line in the boxplot, and the mean is indicated by the blue diamond.

Fig. 4. Participant willingness to engage in eight common activities in Study 5.

Boxplot showing all the data; barring missing data, all participants (N = 288) rated all items. The upper and lower hinges of the boxplot correspond to the first and third quartiles (the 25th and 75th percentiles). The median is indicated by the line in the boxplot, and the mean is indicated by the blue diamond.

Fig. 5. Participant willingness to reach out to old friends who vary in familiarity in Study 6.

Boxplot showing all the data. Participants nominated 3 to 5 old friends who varied in familiarity: 1 = I know them as well as a stranger (N = 135), 2 (N = 215), 3 (N = 232), 4 (N = 254), 5 (N = 267), 6 (N = 150), 7 = I know them as well as I know myself (N = 45). The upper and lower hinges of the boxplot correspond to the first and third quartiles (the 25th and 75th percentiles). The median is indicated by the line in the boxplot, and the mean is indicated by the blue diamond.