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. 2025 Jan-Dec:21:17455057251335361.
doi: 10.1177/17455057251335361. Epub 2025 Apr 30.

"Don't You Love Me?" Abusers' use of shame-to-guilt to coercively control 2SLGBTQQIA+ individuals and rural women experiencing intimate partner violence

Stefan Kurbatfinski  1   2 , Nicole Letourneau  1   3   4   5 , Jason Novick  1 , Susanne Marshall  1 , Keira Griggs  1 , Dawn McBride  6 , Kendra Nixon  7
Affiliations

"Don't You Love Me?" Abusers' use of shame-to-guilt to coercively control 2SLGBTQQIA+ individuals and rural women experiencing intimate partner violence

Stefan Kurbatfinski et al. Womens Health (Lond). 2025 Jan-Dec.

Abstract

Background: Abusers' use of manipulative behaviors to trigger feelings of shame-to-guilt (a process through which abusers shame their partners to incur feelings of guilt) among their 2SLGBTQQIA+ and rural women intimate partners is a type of emotional abuse used to coercively control their partners.

Objective: This study investigated the different tactics that abusers use to shame-to-guilt their partners who identify as 2SLGBTQQIA+ and/or reside in rural areas.

Design: A qualitative design was used to conduct this study.

Methods: We used data from two larger studies to undertake thematic analysis using semi-structured interviews with Albertan 2SLGBTQQ+ (n = 18; no participants identified as intersex or asexual) and rural women (n = 11) who experienced shame-to-guilt behaviors along with service providers who worked with these groups (n = 24).

Results: Seven themes were identified based on participants' experiences, including shaming identity in relation to gender and sexual orientation (manifesting differentially between 2SLGBTQQ+ and rural women participants), emotional and sexual manipulation, threats of death by suicide (predominating among 2SLGBTQQ+ individuals), apologies and vacuous promises as components of the cycle of abuse, using one's parenting and children's well-being to manipulate partners, the use of health conditions and faking illness, and the use of religion or faith to reinforce gender standards.

Conclusion: For 2SLGBTQQIA+ and rural women groups, situating shame-to-guilt behaviors within the cycle of abuse is important information that has not been explored extensively in the intimate partner violence literature. For individuals self-identifying as 2SLGBTQQIA+ or women living rurally, the means through which they are shamed-to-guilt intersects with their unique identities and positionality. Therefore, recommendations are presented to help these groups rebuild their identities when shame-to-guilt behaviors were experienced as part of the abusive dynamic.

Keywords: 2SLGBTQQIA+; emotional abuse; intersectionality; intimate partner violence; qualitative study; rural women; shame-to-guilt.

Plain language summary

How abusive partners use shame and guilt in abusive relationships: Experiences from 2SLGBTQQ+ and women living rurally along with those who provide formal supportManipulation can be used by abusive partners to make people feel ashamed and guilty. By doing this, people who feel guilty or ashamed end up feeling bad and sorry for their partners, allowing for the partner to be even more abusive and feel as if they are not to blame for their relationship. Using interviews, we looked at how abusive partners used shaming and guilting behaviors to control their partners in 2SLGBTQQIA+ (18 people) and rural women (11 people) groups. We also looked at how those providing support (24 people) to these groups saw shame and guilt happen with their clients. We took data from two larger reports. Interviews happened over Zoom or telephone. Many findings were found, but seven main things arose: (1) shaming gender or sexual identity, (2) emotional or sexual manipulation, (3) threats of death by suicide, (4) the cycle of abuse and trauma-bonding, (5) targeting parenting skills, (6) faking health conditions, and (7) using religious values to guilt people. It is important to tell people what shame and guilt can look like in abusive relationships so people can identify these behaviors by themselves and seek support when they are ready. We provide some important recommendations and ideas for policy changes.

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Conflict of interest statement

Declaration of Conflicting InterestsThe authors declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

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